Give Space, Take Space

Some Thoughts on Boundaries

Mar 04, 2025

Several months ago (in what I call the “Before Times”), my kid attended a high school thespian conference here in Denver. On the day I chaperoned, my kid and their friends graciously let me join them for a K-pop dance session, despite the fact that I was bound to embarrass them. I love to dance, but for me, that mostly means rocking it out at concerts and recalling my days boogieing on the dance floor in the 80s. ‘Nuff said.

The session leader, Leo Yu-Ning Chang, “Jumping Leo,” began with stretches to warm us up. Next, he reminded the packed room of students (and me, the sole embarrassing chaperone) to “give space”—i.e., situate ourselves so we could move without bumping into others.

Then Leo said something that’s remained with me since.

“I want you to think about not just giving space, but also taking space. For many people, our tendency is make ourselves as small as possible. We don’t want to be noticed, because that means others might see us doing the ‘wrong thing.’
“But when you don’t take up space, you shrink not just from other people but also from yourself. You deny yourself the opportunity to be fully you.”

Leo’s words came back to me while I watched the video of our so-called “leaders” meeting with Ukraine president Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the Oval Office last Friday. Despite our “leaders” berating him and attempting to intimidate him physically, Zelenskyy didn’t shrink. He stood up bravely to these bullies, doing his best to take the space that was rightfully his.

That’s leadership. That’s grace.

Talking over Zelenskyy’s graciousness, the bullies kept at it. Why? Because deep in their hearts (if they have them), they know the truth: Zelenskyy was the most important person in the room. And there’s nothing a bully hates more than not being the most important person in the room.

We’ve all experienced this guy. Don’t be this guy.

These days, many of us are feeling bullied. The fight has just started, but we’re already tired of it. We feel as if the bullies have won and there’s little we can do about it.

I suspect many in Washington whom we voted for feel this way, too. Nonetheless, I implore them to do their jobs. One person alone taking space, standing up to bullies—as both Zelenskyy and Maine’s governor, Janet Mills, so courageously did—can only do so much. But a roomful of them is powerful.

What If We Have Power, Too?

A couple of days ago, I sat in a room of likeminded people, brainstorming ways to stay involved, stay active, and continue the fight. The ideas flowed like waters as individual after individual stood up and spoke. I left feeling inspired and eager to take up space.

What does that look like? Here are some things we discussed:

Call your representatives. 5Calls.org provides a convenient vehicle for such calls.
Attend town halls, whether in-person or online. Our reps begin to care when there’s visual representation how many voters care.
Listen. Give others space to speak about their concerns. When they do, truly listen to their words, even if you disagree.

Recently, I asked someone to explain why he felt so strongly that trans women shouldn’t participate in women’s sports. He talked about his 1940s childhood, when few girls played sports. The father of daughters, he felt women have made enormous athletic strides since then, and that trans women’s participation discourages cis girls and women from being athletes. While I disagree with him 100%, knowing how he formed his opinion helped me better understand him.

What’s helping you? Where are you giving space—and equally important, where are you taking the space that’s rightfully yours?

What If We Practice Self Care?

While the above is valuable, even more vital is taking care of ourselves. Not everyone can show up in the same way. Give yourself grace, and give others grace.

Do what you need to care for yourself. My suggestions: take a walk, read a book, or call or text a friend. Connect with others where you can—but connect with yourself first and foremost.

What If We Make Space for Creative Change?

Previously in The What If Journal, I’ve mentioned that my novel-in-progress has been a challenge since the election. At first, I put it aside. Then I went back to it, trying every angle I could conjure for solving its conundrums while honoring my characters and their environment.

Both writing retreats on my own and connection with other writers helped…sort of. Still, I mostly felt discouraged.

A few weeks ago, I decided to put the novel aside and focus on a different project: writing a collection of short stories. They’re tied by theme, and like much of my work, they’re female-centered and have a historic bent. In many, there’s a layer of mystery.

That’s all I can say right now, other than to add that I feel reinvigorated about my creative work. As time goes on, I hope to share more with you about the stories. And I know I’ll get back to the novel when the time is right.

For now, the message is this: do the art that speaks to you. The project that makes eager to get to your desk or easel or music stand? The one you can’t stop thinking about, the one you’re always itching to return to?

Yeah, that one. Do that.

What If We Step Out?

It’s March, and that means it’s time for Left Coast Crime: Rocky Mountain High Jinks, March 13 - 16 in downtown Denver. In addition to just generally being around the conference, I’m featured at these events:

Thurs 3/13, 9 am: Author Speed Dating, partnered with Francelia Belton (a Denver Noir contributor!). Come meet 36 mystery writers and hear each of us talk about our work—in 2 minutes! This is a fast, fun, friendly event.
Thurs 3/13, 1:15 pm: Panel “Crime in Colorado” with Marie Sutro, Patricia Raybon, Helen Starbuck, and R. Weir.
Sat 3/15, 7 pm: Left Awards Banquet. I’m hosting a table with Helen Starbuck. Sign up ahead of time to join us!

Registration for LCC is still open! Info is here.

That same weekend, at 12 pm on Sunday 3/16, I’ll be on the panel “Publishing isn’t So Scary” with David Heska Wanbli Weiden, Carter Wilson, and more at Lighthouse Writers’ Thrills and Chills Festival. Please join us! More info is here.

Weathering the Storm

We’re not done with winter yet, at least here in Colorado. And everywhere the U.S., we’re not done with storms of many kinds. But when we show up, take up space, and act with grace, we begin to see possibilities.